oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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