I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
