Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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