Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
