I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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