I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
