I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
