She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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