Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
