his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
