Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
