fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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