btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
