I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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