just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
