6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I don't think brook has ever known best
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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