you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
