I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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