So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
