Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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