capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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