i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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