I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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