I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
