I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i've created a new STD.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
