Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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