Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
