we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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