your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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