i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
