I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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