At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
