I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
one two three fourrrrnication!
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
