i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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