Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
