Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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