if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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