im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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