Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
