Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
