my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
