drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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