"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
