i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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