Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
