if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
