its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
