There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
