If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
