Don't make out with my wife yet
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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