What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
